047 Romanticizing Suicide and Depression

Helloooo all,

It has been a month since the last post and we have been neglecting with a capital N. School has started to take its toll (which is not really a great excuse because last month it was November and also a good deal into the school year). I'm going to a trip around Europe sometime during winter break so you can expect either a ton of writing from me then, or barely any at all. Depends on how I feel.

Anyways, you can probably tell that I am stalling. I've forgotten how to write freely about a random topic, it's just been SO LONG! And of course, I just had to force a difficult topic on myself because honestly, why not.

Suicide. So there's two kinds of suicidey-depressed people. The first kind is the serious kind that is suffering with every day of their existence. The second kind is the kind that have second Instagram accounts posting black and white selfies, angsty poems, and depressing stuff (with, of course, a theme that looks super cool if you look at all their photos). And I am here to talk about the second kind.

(In any case, if you happen to be the first kind of suicidey-depressed people, seek help. Seriously. One smile, one person can make a huge difference. This isn't a society anymore that looks down upon suicidal people. One word and we will gather as a community to support you. We got your back in this, just hang on a bit and call for help.)

So here is the question I want to ask. Are we allowed to romanticize suicide and use it against someone as a weapon? Should we be allowed?

Here comes the anecdote. A year ago, I was a friend to someone called, oh, I don't know. Let's say her name is Leehay (for no particular reason. I just think the name Leehay is a perfectly swell name and suits her perfectly). So Leehay and I got really close, mainly because I was a professional procrastinator then, and I had serious time management issues, so much that I would talk anyone who messaged me to death. And of course, she happened to love messaging people. So we clicked.

But then, she started saying awful, awful things to me. I don't remember what anymore, but trust me, it was bad. I just have a terrible memory and also I told myself to forget it and so here I am. She said that she was trying to make me "stronger", and that I shouldn't cry when she says mean things because she's just "toughening me up".

(This was back in the age when I used to cry about things other people say about me) (aka a year ago) (aka I still do because I'm an insecure twit who needs reassuring every moment of her life) (but I don't cry) (seriously).

I mean, hello. This isn't Mulan. I'm perfectly fine being a soft, mushy, flabby person. Thanks.

So clearly this was not a healthy relationship, so of course I was like, "I'm out, bye". But she apparently had some change of heart or something because she was like "Nooo don't leave me how will I live without you." And so I said something along the lines of "Sorry, bye." and she wAS ACTUALLY SERIOUS APPARENTLY BECAUSE THE NEXT MESSAGE SHE SENT ME WAS A FULL PAGE LONG AND WAS ALL ABOUT HOW SHE WAS ACTUALLY SUICIDAL AND IF I DIDN'T FORGIVE HER, SHE WOULD KILL HERSELF AND SO I HAD TO FORGIVE HER AND WE HAD TO BE BEST FRIENDS AGAIN OTHERWISE I WOULD VIRTUALLY KILL HER.

And so naturally, I didn't want to leave her, because hey, if she commits suicide...

But another part of me was indignant and almost disgusted by the fact that she would use suicide as a weapon to guilt me into apologizing. And I was so angry that I just didn't talk to her again. I made sure my friends were on board and we just shut her out of our friendship circle. Because honestly? I don't want a friend that will yell at me and force me to forgive them. I don't need that in my life. And to this day, I don't know if that was the right choice. On one hand, I was just trimming off a bad branch. On the other had, I may have truly hurt her and I don't want that.

As of now, I don't regret leaving her, but I do regret causing her pain. Because not only did I force her out of my bubble, I forced her out of my friends' bubbles. They were absolutely furious when I told them what Leehay said, and I'm so grateful they supported me in this whole thing. And I am extremely relieved to get her off my back. But I hated the fact that I virtually isolated her from all friendships, and I would never want to do that again to anybody.

So my final opinion on using suicide as a threat? Not cool. This is serious business, and suicide is something that can't be undone. So threatening suicide is really just attention-grabby and annoying, and also deeply disrespectful to those who are actually going through rough times.

Sometimes, when my mom is being super annoying or mean, I think about what if I committed suicide, or what if I told her I was depressed. Would she be nicer to me? And then I feel bad because suicide isn't something to joke about, or something to take lightly. Of course she would care more about me, but I would also be causing my mom extraordinary pain. And just like the boy who cried wolf, do I really want to fake something as serious as suicide?

As for romanticizing suicide, I think that's wrong too. Just from my perspective, 'cutting', or slicing your wrists with blades, has become something all 'popular' kids are doing. I know so many people who are cutting, which kind of makes me wonder, well, what's the hype all about? Is it fun to cut? Is it cool to cut?

But cutting is also another weapon. You can 'accidentally' show someone your wrists, and they will automatically feel bad for you, and be 10000000 times nicer. You can 'accidentally' show your parents your wrists, and they will feel automatically more caring. But cutting for manipulation and cutting because you need to are very different things. To an outsider, though, they're the same. And they cause the same pain to them.

I don't want to imply that I'm suicidal or depressed by writing this article. But I feel that this is an issue that isn't being addressed properly, and teenagers (I'm singling teenagers out because they tend to succumb to peer pressure most) can be suffering because of that.

Nargles, Warbles, a penny for your thoughts?

- Quibbles